Why Australian women make bad wives

Australia is a paradox. On the one hand it has plenty of everything - lots of space, pleasant weather, plenty of precious metals still to be dug up, and no ancient enemies. So the people here should be happy, right? No, not right.

Australian men are more likely than just about any group of people on earth to want to kill themselves. It's not because of the kangaroos, it because of the women. Australian women.

What are Australian women doing that drives the men here to such depths of despair? There may be a hundred reasons, but I'll provide you with maybe the top ten.

Each entry suggests a typical attitude of Australian women, and the subsequent text contrasts this attitude with some better behaviour.

Aussie women: "I have certain expectations"

Better: I am happy to lower my expectations as required

An excellent runner might be disappointed to only come second in a running race. An average runner might be delighted to come third.

An important part of being a good wife is constantly managing your expectations so that they are below what your husband is likely to deliver. Then you can be happy that your husband is always "Above expectations."

"Family and friends are important to me"

Better: My husband is number one.

It seems to me that, other than to herself, an Australian woman's loyalty is ordered as follows:

• Her children (if she has any).
• Her parents.
• Her friends.
• Her husband.

A good wife would keep her husband to the top of the list, knowing that loyal support of a good man will confirm his loyalty to her (as well as being a reward in itself).

"The relationship between a husband and wife should be equal"

Better: The relationship between a husband and wife should be balanced

Equality means "the same", and no two people are the same. No-one would think it was right to treat a dog and a donkey equally.

Balance means ensuring that individuals are given privileges in accordance with their responsibilities, abilities and past contributions.

"It's not polite to make fun"

Better: Gentle ridicule clears the air

Once there was an Australian man who brought a Russian woman to Australia to see whether she'd like to be his wife. She had high expectations of Western opulence and was shocked to find that the house in which he lived had bugs crawling around the cupboards. She was also amazed to discover that when she opened a bottle of after-shave from his bathroom that the smell was worse than Russian after-shave.

Afterwards she told him, "You know your after-shave is terrible! It doesn't attract women, only bugs!"

The Russian expressed her disappointment in a way that made her feel better, and made him smile too. Her statement enhanced their relationship.

An well brought up Australian woman in the same situation probably wouldn't have said anything (maybe just looked disdainful), and the disappointment would have stayed with her only to fester in her mind.

Most Aussie women in that situation would simply have said, "This smells like sh.t." - which isn't funny, isn't true, and isn't nice.

"There are some things no woman should put up with"

Better: Take the bad with the good.

No woman likes to be smacked, yelled at, cheated on, or neglected. How many women want to be married to a man who doesn't make much money or drinks too much?

But a marriage of any length is going to involve both parties getting some of what they don't want, so what to do?

Australian women seem to be divided into two camps:

• Lazy women who drift into relationships until they see problems then drift back out again.
• Tyrants who see it as their role to purge husbands of any imperfection.

I saw a movie where a boy was growing up in Ireland in the early 1900's had a father who was always drunk and out of work. But the boy found great value in his father's unique and charming insights into how the world worked. The boy felt he owed some of his later creative output to his father.

Any person who believes that their spouse is worthless as a parent is kidding themselves.

A good wife will:

• Remember the good times in her marriage before complaining about the bad times.
• Remember her husband's strengths not just stare at his weaknesses.
• Celebrate his masculinity, not criticize his lack of feminine virtues.
• Ask herself, "Is this weakness so important? Can I shrug it off?"
• Ask herself whether there is anything nice she can do for her husband that could alter his behaviour.
• Be more concerned with improving herself than with improving him.

A good wife would only threaten to walk out as a last resort - knowing that a man with a lot to give will stop contributing to something that is likely to disintegrate.

"I like to watch"

Better: I like to think

When Australian woman are asked about their interests they often respond with, "I like to go out to the movies or I like to stay home in front of the TV." Never do they say, "I like to think."

There are several reasons why "thinkers" make better wives than "watchers":

• TV shows and popular movies are very similar to one another, the jokes and situations don't change much, only the actors and settings do. Watchers usually end up being as boring as the shows they watch.
• TV tries to keep you engaged and to buy merchandise, it doesn't try to show you how to live a good life. That means that the values TV imparts are useless, or worse.
• If you don't spend time thinking, how will understand what life must be like for other people?
• If you don't spend time thinking, how will you generate the fresh insights that will make you interesting to listen to?

"Compromise"

Better: Design

What if you want to go shopping with your husband and he wants to take you to see a game of football?

A compromise would be to do half the shopping and then see half the game of football.

A designed solution would be one that considered the various factors and came up with a solution that provided the best outcome for both parties. Factors might include:

• What did they like and not like about shopping and sport?
• How much time did they have? What alternative times were possible?
• What other activities could substitute?
• Who else might be interested in going shopping or to the football?

Key to getting a designed solution is a willingness to allow some time for discussion before a decision is made.

"Husbands shouldn't tell wives what to do"

Better: Sometimes we all need guidance

A group of Australian women were discussing a certain TV show, which happens to be not worth watching. I said to them, "Now ladies, do your husbands really let you watch that show?"

They turned to me in amazement, and one of them said, "Why would we consult our husbands on what we watch - do you think that we're children who need to be supervised?"

I did not answer that woman, as clearly we were from two different planets.

The proper way to think about it was explained by the famous golfer, Greg Norman, when he was asked why he appreciated his wife. He said, "My wife is the only person on Earth who is on my side, and yet who isn't me. I can ask myself for advice, but I usually get the answers I expect. When my wife gives me advice, it is something new and challenging, but still aimed at my best interest. Everyone else gives me advice that serves their own interests."

People should use those close to them as helpers in guiding them through life, which includes listening to your loved ones when they tell you what's good for you to watch.

I saw an Australian man plead with his wife to arrange things so that he and she and their little girl could all have dinner together as a family in the evenings, rather than separately in front of the TV. Of course she ignored his request.

Australian women listen carefully to TV's advice on how they should deal with their husbands, and yet ignore their husband's advice on what should be done with the TV.

"I know what I like"

Better: I want to learn to appreciate something new

A small child looks at a piece of broccoli on his plate at the dinner table and shouts, "I don't like this!" His mother wishes just once he would say, "Last time I had this - I didn't like it. But today I will try harder!"

Probably the reason there are so few children who act in the second way is that they learn how to behave from their mothers.

If you say to an Australian woman, "I can help you learn to appreciate things you never knew existed!", she will become resentful and tell you that you are being "patronising".

A good wife, by contrast, is always looking for new things to admire.

"I don't want to be a good little wife"

Better: I want to be a good wife

The main reason Australian women make bad wives is because they're not even trying to be good wives. Instead many see marriage as a prison that stops them from having a successful career and an exciting love life.

What they fail to appreciate is that everyone has to work within limitations. As a man I have limitations, but you don't see me losing sleep over the fact that I will never be able to bear a child, or enliven a room full of men just by moving my bottom.

A much better attitude was shown by Marie Curie, who had as a young woman decided to marry someone smart. Her husband then helped her learn what she needed to in order to become one of the world's leading scientists.

Phil Bachmann nmt