Introducing Polygamy

Introducing Polygamy

Explanation of why polygamy is such a wonderful idea and why it should become a mainstream institution.

The moment people hear the word polygamy their minds turn to images of "old-fashioned", "sexist", "fringe", "Mormon", "illegal". What doesn't usually happen is that people start to think about what the consequences would be if polygamy were a standard institution in our society.

As I have described elsewhere, this unwillingness on the part of people to think through new ideas and to rely on new influences such as technology to shape society, will be disastrous.

First let me dispel the myth that there is some legal impediment to enjoying polygamy. Certainly, in many countries, it is illegal to marry someone and not tell them you're already married. This was probably done so that in the olden days travelling salesmen wouldn't marry a wife in each town simply in order to sleep with them.

While many countries would also not allow you to officially marry more than one person simultaneously, there's nothing stopping you setting up your own de-facto arrangements with people who are willing participants.

Benefits

The benefits of polygamy only become obvious when you start looking for them. Here is a list I have started:

People with handicaps (eg. deafness) have considerable difficulty finding a good mate. They might marry someone who also has a disability but that could make life difficult for them and for any offspring. Sharing a spouse who is unencumbered by disability might be a good choice for them.
The idea that someone can become rich simply by virtue of whom they marry is incompatible with the idea that people should be rewarded for service, hard work and ability. Polygamy allows rich people to distribute their wealth more evenly.
Men seem to enjoy the prospect of sleeping with different women. Should this perceived reward go to men who lie and cheat and spend their time in discos or to men whom women regard as having many "husband-like" virtues?
Often people spend their lives wanting to be with someone who is out of their league (e.g. Elle Macpherson). If polygamy were common Elle may choose multiple husbands and those men, having had the "Elle experience", would no longer be caught up in the mystique and could proceed with their lives.
If people marry only at their level, society is further polarised and divided. Good people marry good people, average marry average, ratbags marry ratbags. One assumes that if good people associated with others they would lift those people up rather than be brought down.
There are some people who struggle fending for themselves in society. What hope is there for the children of these people if the kids have little or no exposure to those who are coping well?
If intelligent and able men have more children than other men, this would result in an overall increase in the number of children who are likely to be intelligent and able. At the moment, because such men are very careful in choosing a mate, they are likely to have less children than the average.
Women who cannot have children can at least be de-facto mothers to a man's other wives' children.
There are shortages of suitable people in certain demographics. Older woman find it difficult to find someone, as do young men. The ability to share would alleviate this problem.
If one partner in a monogamous relationship wants sex more than the other, the second may use this fact (even inadvertently) to exert undue influence in the relationship. This would be less of a problem if the first had a choice in whom he or she could legitimately sleep with.
People would no longer "in" or "out". If your idea of a good woman is already in a relationship, you can still approach her with an offer.
It's a great way to show the world what you believe in. If you believe that men are good as money earners and handymen, share a hardworking handyman with another wife.

Questionnaire

I've written a questionnaire to help people think through the issues. To aid readability I've created a version for men and for women.

Questions for men

Imagine you're very attracted to a woman and think she'd be just perfect for you, but you know she's already with someone else. Despite this, you indicate to her that you would like to become romantically involved. Which of the following responses would you prefer to hear?

No, thanks, I've already got a boyfriend. I don't want to associate with you.
No, thanks, I'm already got a boyfriend - but am happy to have you as a friend.
Sure we can get involved as long as you don't tell anyone about it.
I'm getting sick of the other guy, let's do it.
I like you but I can't ditch my boyfriend just because someone better comes along, that's not what relationships are about. If you like me as much as you say you do, you probably wouldn't mind sharing.

Imagine that due to a car accident you've lost an arm. Your girlfriend has run off as fast as her legs could carry her. What would you do?

Look for a woman amongst disabled people?
Look for a woman without disability, and accept whatever other problems she may have?
Wait for your ex or someone similarly good to come back.

Imagine that one day your wife's face becomes disfigured in a fire. When you go out together people stare and kids point and giggle. She starts to become reclusive, and not the outgoing, funloving person you were first attracted to. At the same time you find yourself attracted to another woman. Which of the following three options most appeals to you?

Leave your wife for this new attraction.
Stay with your wife purely out of loyalty.
Ask them both to share.

Imagine you are single and were looking to meet someone you could have children with. You meet a woman who's just wonderful but it turns out that she's divorced and has children, and doesn't want any more. Which of the following difficulties most puts you off pursuing a relationship with this woman?

The fact that because the kids regularly see their natural father, you may never be more than "half a dad".
The fact that you may never have children of your own.
The concern that the kids may resent you as an intruder into their lives.
The feeling that you are outnumbered and will have to adjust to them more than they do to you.

You are married but you haven't had relations with your wife for some months. You're on a business trip and a gorgeous young single associate is your dinner companion. After dinner she timidly agrees to go together back to her room, where you start petting. Before things get naked, do you tell her that you're married?

Yes, just as you would want her to be honest about something important.
No, because not telling the whole truth is not being dishonest.
No, because you're really excited and don't want to blow your chance.
No, because if it mattered to her she would have asked.

Your wife died and left you alone to look after your daughter and son.

Does it matter whether your daughter grows up without a close female mentor?
If girls benefit by having a female mentor, would a boy?
What would you sacrifice to give the best for your children?
Would a woman whom your children adored make you feel jealous?

Which are the most important things choosing a partner? Put them in order:

Someone who's going to hang around for the bad times, as well as the good.
Someone who is honest.
Someone you can show off to your friends.
Someone who will be an average parent.
Someone who will be an excellent parent.
Someone you have exclusive access to (other than the time she spends with family, friends, work mates).
Someone you feel attracted to.

Continue...

Questions for women

Imagine you're very attracted to a man and think he'd be just perfect for you, but you know he's already with someone else. Despite this, you indicate to him that you would like to become romantically involved. Which of the following responses would you prefer to hear?

No, thanks, I've already got a girlfriend. I don't want to associate with you.
No, thanks, I'm already got a girlfriend - but am happy to have you as a friend.
Sure we can get involved as long as you don't tell anyone about it.
I'm getting sick of the other woman, let's do it.
I like you but I can't ditch my girlfriend just because someone better comes along, that's not what relationships are about. If you like me as much as you say you do, you probably wouldn't mind sharing.

Imagine that due to a car accident you've lost an arm. Your boyfriend has run off as fast as his legs could carry him. What would you do?

Look for a man amongst disabled people?
Look for a man without disability, and accept whatever other problems he may have?
Wait for your ex or someone similarly good to come back.

Imagine that one day your husband's face becomes disfigured in a fire. When you go out together people stare and kids point and giggle. He starts to become reclusive, and not the outgoing, funloving person you were first attracted to. At the same time you find yourself attracted to another man. Which of the following three options most appeals to you?

Leave your husband for this new attraction.
Stay with him purely out of loyalty.
Ask them both to share.

Imagine you are single and were looking to meet someone you could have children with. You meet a man who's just wonderful but it turns out that he's divorced and has children, and doesn't want any more. Which of the following difficulties most puts you off pursuing a relationship with this man?

The fact that because the kids regularly see their natural mother, you may never be more than "half a mum".
The fact that you may never have children of your own.
The concern that the kids may resent you as an intruder into their lives.
The feeling that you are outnumbered and will have to adjust to them more than they do to you.

You are single and on a business trip where a handsome, successful man is your dinner companion. After dinner you go together back to your hotel room, where you start petting. Before things get naked, do you ask him whether he's with someone else?

No, because he would have told you if he was.
No, because romance is about uncertainty, and those sort of questions destroy the moment.
No, I feel stupid asking that right at this moment so I'll leave it.

Your husband died and left you alone to look after your daughter and son.

Does it matter whether your son grows up without a close male mentor?
If boys benefit by having a male mentor, would a girl?
What would you sacrifice to give the best for your children?
Would a man whom your children adored make you feel jealous?

Which are the most important things choosing a partner? Put them in order:

Someone who's going to hang around for the bad times, as well as the good.
Someone who is honest.
Someone you can show off to your friends.
Someone who will be an average parent.
Someone who will be an excellent parent.
Someone you have exclusive access to (other than the time she spends with family, friends, work mates).
Someone you feel attracted to.

Difficulties

Polygamy isn't likely to be broadly embraced just because it's a good idea. Here are some implementation difficulties.

It's new

The first difficulty is that it is such a revolutionary idea. Upon hearing the idea of polygamy it is almost always immediately discredited. Because this happens so quickly you can be pretty sure that the listener has not spent a lot of time thinking about it, not that this helps much.

The answer to think about it and to get other people to think (constructively) about it.

Jealousy

I've been amazed at the number of responses along the lines of, "People get jealous therefore polygamy is unworkable." My answer is that people should regard jealousy as a comical admission of inadequacy.

People with something to lose

Some people will resist the idea because they feel they have something to lose by it. People who got the "good end of deal" in a marriage feel threatened by the prospect of having to share their bounty.

One answer may just to avoid discussion with such people, save for occasional teasing.

Another answer is to design ways to get those people to see that it is in their long term interest to endorse polygamy.

The Alternative

If polygamy does not become a mainstream institution, it's likely that some of society's most disgraceful features will only be made worse:

Older women who've lost their husbands will continue live out their lives as unwanted appendages.

18-25 year old men will continue to act destructively in the near impossible quest to find a good woman.

Children of single parents will continue to have more hurdles to overcome than their peers.

The cornerstone of marriage, "for better or worse", will further deteriorate into the mire of, "while it's to my advantage".

Everyone will continue to believe that the only way to get what you want out of life is to lie and to cheat..

Action

Here's some ideas on what practical actions you might take to explore and promote polygamy:

There's a polygamy site at http://www.3coins.com which allows you to post personal ads free of charge, or for a small fee if you want extra service.

Write me an e-mail with your own insights. I promise to publish ones which are suitably constructive.

Feedback

Peoples' responses to the idea of polygamy is presented in the feedback page.